Posts Tagged ‘crime’

Snowballing Violence

March 14, 2011

Geez, I guess snowball fights can be nasty, too.

The Burlington Free Press reports today that two people got into a nasty fight in the Vermont town of Jay over a thrown snowball.

Play nice, boys. Apparently, a weekend snowball fight in Jay, Vermont got out of hand.


One guy threw a snowball at a car on a pretty remote stretch of Route 242. The guy driving the car stopped, and they battled it out with fists.

Both face charges.

C’mon guys. There’s plenty of snow. Build a couple snow forts, heave snowballs at each other from your respective forts and blow off steam that way. You know, like kids do.

Aren’t snowball fights supposed to be fun? Well, spring is coming. So maybe we’ll get through the rest of winter without violence.

Note to Robber: Learn How to Use Mask

March 10, 2011

Welcome back folks, to my recurring posts on helpful suggestions for criminals to ge through their exploits.

A still from a surveillance camera of a robber who couldn't get his act together

I’m going to revisit masks, which are key in preventing our stupid criminals from being identified by all those awful security cameras out there.

I talked about this back in January, when a Vermont bank robber, on the coldest day of the year, on the day it made the most sense to wear a ski mask, robbed the bank without said mask.

Pretty dumb, and he was arrested quickly.

Now we have a robber who could use some tips on dressing for a crime. The key is to put on your ski mask before the robbery, not during it. And be sure to use a mask that’s easy to put on and take off.

Struggling with a mask really interferes with the robbery, as this hilarious security cam video shows:

As you can see, our robber’s lack of preparedness makes it awfully easy for people to identify him.  Though so far, he hasn’t been caught.

By the way, the guy having trouble with the mask needs other help. According to media reports, he demanded money from the cash register, but the clerk said he couldn’t open it.

The clerk invited the robber to try opening the cash drawer himself, but he couldn’t do it. I think the clerk locked it and hid the key. The robber left the store empty handed. Except for the ski mask he couldn’t put  on.

Logic clearly wasn’t working here. Think about it, dear robber: The clerk says he can’t open the cash register. Then how does he make change for all  his non-robber customers?

Does the clerk demand exact change from the customers? If so where does he put the money.

Robber, I hate to think ill of people, but I think the clerk lied to you. How rude!

Anyway, better luck next time. Or, more likely, good luck in the slammer

Temper Tantrum Woman Destroys Liquor Store Booze

March 5, 2011

Oh, I’m such a sucker for videos of people behaving badly in public.

Which brings us today to the Rite Buy Wine and Liquor store in Nyack, N.Y., where a woman apparently was upset because she was in a hurry and the clerks weren’t fast enough for her taste.

A still from the surveillance camera images of Mahogany Morrow, 31, trashing a liquor store.

So she stormed out of the place, deliberately knocking off $1,600 worth of booze from the shelvers on the way out. Watch:

Police tracked down Mahogany Morrow, 31, after the Feb. 23 incident.

Among the bottles she broke were some Johnnie Blue Label Scotch, which goes for $180 a bottle, according to local media.

So now our buddy Mahogany will live on in infamy on YouTube and elsewhere, joining the large and growing club of people who made total fools of themselves by having a temper tantrum.

When I found out her name the theme song from the 1970s movie “Mahogany” came to mind. (Yes, I have a weird mind)

The song lyrics go: “Do you know where you’re going to?
You’re going to jail, Mahogany!

Hey Mahogany: Was the fact you had to wait 40 seconds for a store clerk worth the public embarrassment and the possibly criminal charges you face?

Congratulations: You get the dufus award of the week, Mahogany!

Wild Twist on Reporter’s Street Fight

March 2, 2011

Journalists hate it when they become part of the story, and the reporter for the Seattle television station in the video below probably felt the same way.

Reporter Shamari Stone (in blue jacket) tries to subdue a man attacking another guy in Seattle.

The television journalist, Shomari Stone, was doing a live report on a routine story and people started fighting nearby. One guy was getting the crap beat out of him, so the reporter intervened to prevent a bloodbath.

Watch the video, but stick with it to the end, because there’s an amazing twist to the story as the video concludes.

Woman Wrecks Towing Co. Over Fee.

February 24, 2011

Ah the joys of being a reporter.

A local Fox news reporter in Michigan happened to be in a car towing shop/auto repair shop doing a story the other day, when in walked a woman to retrieve her car. She objected to the $225 towing fee. Big time.

The Grand Rapids Mich. Press ran this mug shot of Tiffany Nealous, accused of practically destroying an auto shop over a $225 tow fee.

The woman attacked the clerk, smashed all the windows and computers, terrified her own little kid and had the reporter cowering in a closet, calling 911 and hoping she’d survive.

Don’t believe me? Watch the video. If there weren’t so much damage and the kid weren’t so terrified, it would be funny.

I do think the woman overreacted just a teensy bit, don’t you?

She left the shop, but police later tracked down Tiffany Quana Nealous, 34, and charged her with felonious assault and other charges.

Not only did she not get her car back, do you know how expensive this will be for our friend Tiffany? (Such a fun name for such a violent woman)

I bet they’ll take her little kid away, and she’s going to face fines and maybe jail time. Over a $225 bill.

I’m just glad I don’t know her.  She seems to have much worse tantrums than her toddler.

If I owned that towing shop, I’d never give her car back, no matter how much she paid me. Her car was in an accident, which is why it was at the tow shop. I wonder if her rage somehow caused the accident in the first place?

On the bright side, the Fox reporter got one of the best stories of her life. Talk about Eyewitness News!

Worst Criminal Driver of the Week

February 21, 2011

In my ongoing quest to find the world’s most annoying and dumb criminals, I give you this guy’s encounter with an Oregon convenience store.

The mess left in a store after Zacharias Serrano allegedly drove this van into an Oregon convenience store. Photo from

Watch this driver, drunk, naturally, as he crashes into the store. It’s not your standard issue drive into the building and stop video. Oh no, it’s worse than that.  Much worse. More news and commentary on this below the video:

According to KPTV News in Oregon, the van’s driver, after trashing the store, said there was a bomb in the van and tried to carjack a woman out in the parking lot.

Police arrived before he could get away with the woman’s car. There was no bomb. Authorities charged Zacharias Serrano, 33, of Lakewood, Wash with numerous offenses, second degree kidnapping, assault, first degree robbery, DUI, and being a jerk and a moron.

OK, I made the jerk and moron charge up, but if I ruled the world, that would be a crime.

Nobody was hurt, thank goodness. There’s no word on why our friend Zach went ballistic like this. Looked like he was having fun, but is that really the way we should entertain ourselves? Could he just play Grand Theft Auto on his home computer?

For punishment, I would sentence Zach to a lifetime of stocking and restocking convenience store shelves. I’d just hire somebody to knock all the items off the shelves, make him put them back up, and repeat the cycle.

Kind of like Sisyphus and the rock he rolled uphill. At least Zach would stay out of trouble this way.

Jerk of the Week: He Poisoned Auburn’s Trees

February 17, 2011

Here’s a real loser for you:

A guy named Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr., 62, was arrested Thursday, charged with poisoning trees up to the age of 130 years old at Auburn University.

Harvey Almorn Updyke, 62, is accused of poisoning trees at Auburn Univeristy.

Reports are Updyke is a rabid fan of Auburn’s archrival Alabama, so that’s why he allegedly did the deed. Some media reports said Updyke saw Auburn kids defacing a statue of legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant, so he decided to get even.

The Birmingham (Alabama) News published Updyke’s affidavit on its Web site.

He supposedly used this nasty stuff called Spike 80DF, and experts give the trees a slim chance of surviving.

Updyke denies the charges. But if he is the culprit, what was he thinking?

Among the things Updyke should have considered: Is a football rivalry worth killing trees and putting yourself in jail for up to 10 years?

If he gets mad over football games, I’d hate to see how upset he’d get if, say, somebody broke a window in his house or got in a fender bender with him.

What does killing the trees accomplish? Alabama and Auburn will no doubt continue playing football.

Anyway, talk about taking things to extremes. Bet he’s not president of the local garden club. And I’d hate to hire him as a landscaper.

Makes you feel like going to his house and sprinkling his shrubbery with a nice big does of Roundup. But that would be stooping to his level and killing innocent plants, wouldn’t it?


Lara Logan Case Highlights Internet Meanness

February 16, 2011

I swear meanness on the Internet just gets worse and worse.

What got me thinking about this was a note on Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish blog about reaction to the reported sexual assault of CBS reporter Lara Logan recently during unrest in Egypt.

Particularly awful, hateful comments came from both the left and the right. Lefty journalist Nir Rosen joked about the assault. I guess he figured he could because he believes Logan is insufficiently leftist, and too cozy with the military. Or something.

Nir Rosen lost his position at NYU today over remarkably stupid things he said about CBS reporter Lara Logan

I quote Rosen:

“Jesus Christ, at a moment when she is going to become a martyr and glorified we should at least remember her role as a major war monger”

“Look, she was probably groped like thousands of other women, which is still wrong, but if it was worse than [sic] I’m sorry.”

He also said he wished Anderson Cooper was similarly assaulted.

Rosen later said he regretted making the statements. Still, he was a fellow at NYU’s Center for Law and Security, but they forced him to resign over the Logan comments, according to the Washington Post and other  media outlets.

On the right, we have somebody who is at least a big a loser as Rosen. Meet conservative commentator Debbie Schlussel, who, unlike Rosen, thinks Logan is too far left, but like Rosen, things Logan, because of her alleged viewpoints, got what she deserved.  Geez, you can’t please anybody.

Conservative commentator Debbie Schlussel also says many not very bright things. She unloaded on Lara Logan, too.

Here’s a sample of the idiotic things Schlussel said.

“So sad, too bad, Lara. No one told her to go there. She knew the risks. And she should have known what Islam is all about. Now she knows. Or so we’d hope. But in the case of the media vis-a-vis Islam, that’s a hope that’s generally unanswered.
This never happened to her or any other mainstream media reporter when Mubarak was allowed to treat his country of savages in the only way they can be controlled.

Now that’s all gone. How fitting that Lara Logan was “liberated” by Muslims in Liberation Square while she was gushing over the other part of the “liberation.”

Hope you’re enjoying the revolution, Lara! Alhamdilllullah [praise allah].

So according to Schlussel, all Muslims are savage rapist, and anybody who thinks otherwise ought to get some bad karma.

Today, Schlussel wrote that she doesn’t actual advocate sexual assault. (Mighty nice of her!) But she does add this:

“THIS. IS. ISLAM. Lara Logan was among the chief cheerleaders of this “revolution” by animals.”

Schlussel also complains she got death threats over her comments. Well, of course some lunatics are going to use utter stupidiy to confront morons, so there you go.

I hope no harm ever comes to Schlussel. I just wish she’d shut up and close her blog. I know I shouldn’t even publicize her garbage, but it’s good to get jerky comments out in the open for public scrutiny and outrage.

Elsewhere in the mean Internet world, a West Coast CBS reporter apparently had some sort of stroke on air that affected her speech, and when she started to report, jibberish came out.

I won’t show you the video of what happened, mostly because people have been using the video to mock the reporter mercilessly. People: She was having a medical problem. Show some compassion. Do you hate everybody?  Hope that doesn’t ever happen to you.

I admit I sometimes have a mean streak when I write this blog. I can be viscious toward some people. But I try to call people on the stupid things they say and do that are their choice.

Of course I welcome any views that oppose mine. Write ’em in the comment section. But if you’re just going to say stupid, angry things without making a coherent argument, I will not give you the time of day.

There. I always feel better after a rant.

Super Granny Foils Robbery

February 8, 2011

She saw six guys in helmets, with sledgehammers, raiding a British jewelry store in broad daylight. The owner of the store was inside, terrified.

Never fear, Super Granny is here! She beat off the robbers with her handbag, spoiling the perfect, daring daytime heist.

To be honest, I”m skeptical; this could be a hoax or a movie shoot or something, because I can’t believe these six guys would run away from an old lady. And why didn’t anybody else jump in?

But the whole concept is still fun, so I’m going to run with it.l

Watch the video below. Even if it’s fake, it’s still fun:

Is IHOP Brawling Mannerly?

January 27, 2011

Dear Miss Manners:

While dining a local IHOP, my dinner companion did not like the food and raised her voice in a rather insulting manner.

Miss Manners offers tips on how to brawl at an IHOP

I responded by starting a brawl, involving punching, screaming, breaking dishes, hitting somebody over the head with a coffee pot, wielding a cane and threatening somebody with a chair.

I thought I was rather restrained, given the circumstances.

However, a friend of mine said this was rude, as trashing a restaurant might annoy other diners. I think I prevented rudeness, by letting my friend know in no uncertain terms that insulting me is a breach of etiquette.

The restaurant seems to be on my side, as they are reluctant to press charges. So am I justified?

What is proper etiquette in a situation like this? Should I hit my dinner companion over the head with a chair instead of a coffee pot? Is it more proper to bash somebody while holding the coffee pot in my right hand or my left hand?

And when toppling tables, should they fall to the left or to the right? And should I have broken windows, too?

I’ve enclosed the following video, below, Miss Manners, to help you judge the proper conduct in a restaurant brawl situation.


Wanting Hot Food.


(Response from Miss Manners)

Gentle Reader:

When brawling in an IHOP, the coffee pot is to be swung onto somebody’s head using your right hand, but in fancier restaurants, you should use your left hand.

After bashing your friend over the head with the coffee pot, it is polite to get another coffee pot and make more coffee for onlookers who want refreshments while watching the brawl.

Proper manners dictates you should only break one window in the restaurant, unless the food was especially bad. Then you can break two windows.

It was once customary to bash people with chairs during brawls, but that job is now handled by World Wrestling Entertainment. Nowadays, it is more customary to find a restaurant cash register to hit your opponent with. Be sure to take the money out of the cash register and keep it for yourself before hitting your dinner companion.

Sincerely, Miss Manners.