Bizarre Craigslist Ad in Vermont

I was looking at Craigslist here in Vermont, looking for any opportunities where I could make an extra buck.

You REALLY never know what you'll find on Craigslist

I stumbled on the following Craigslist ad. I’ll reprint it in its entirety below. I decided not to contact them, as I don’t need the extra money that badly.

But if you want to take this job, let me know and I will connect you to the ad. (I’m keeping their contact email off to discourage unpleasantness)

I swear I am not making up anything in this ad. Here it is verbatim:

I am looking for someone to reinforce my fragile self-esteem by shadowing me throughout the day while constantly reminding me that everyone I encounter is inferior to me in both physical attractiveness and cognitive ability. If the day has provided me with an unusual amount of adversity, I may also require use of a commercially available theme song to be determined at a later date. If use of said theme song is deemed necessary, you will be required to accompany me while carrying my iPod and speakers. If questioned by other pedestrians about said task, you are to reply with only the cryptic phrase “The purple rose always knows how fast a river flows.”

You will be provided with a pager in case one of the following emergency situations presents itself while you are off the clock:

1. I find myself on a date with someone who finds any member of the Kardashian family “inspirational.”
2. I am exposed directly or indirectly to the music of the Black-Eyed Peas.
3. I discover that a childhood nemesis resides in a higher income bracket or has more Facebook friends than me.
4. I am faced with the chilling realization that my favorite T-Shirt has formed a dreaded “armpit hole.”
5. Someone refers to me as “chief” while slapping me on the back like a pack-mule.
6. I become disoriented as the result of Daylight Savings Time and place the wrong DVD at the top of my Netflix que.
7. I cannot decide whether or not I like the first season of The X-Files.

At this point in time I am unable to offer dental or vision, but I can provide a rudimentary health policy in the form of a few expired antibiotics and generic ibuprofen. There is no preference on gender, but I do have an odor aversion to Polo cologne and stewed beats. If you utilize either (or God forbid, both) please do not apply. We can discuss monetary compensation after I receive your qualifications and can accurately assess your level of financial desperation. Good Luck!

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2 Responses to “Bizarre Craigslist Ad in Vermont”

  1. gary rith Says:

    Vermont 🙂

  2. beingzhenya Says:

    Oh the armpit hole dread, in Russia they say it’s for ventilation! No need to buy deodorant now! Lol

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