Vermont Tee-Vee.

I’m getting frustrated by the the lack of television shows that match my tastes, so I should just start my own Vermont television network. Call VTT, Vermont Television. I’ve already got a partial schedule worked out:

The Real Housewives of Enosburg Falls: Trouble explodes as Crystal accuses Wanda of screwing around with her 16-year old son. Meanwhile, Misty is arrested for selling Oxycontin in front of Skoozy’s store in Berkshire.

Real housewives on Enosburg Falls probably won't be as glamorous as these ladies

Hockey With the Stars: Live from Collins-Perley Arena in St. Albans, teams of celebrities face off at, well, a hockey faceoff. Contestants include Celine Dion, Trey Anastaschio of Phish, Grace Potter, Howard Dean and Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

CSI Rutland: Detectives find a cashe of stolen Fruit of the Loom underwear, which leads then to uncover a shoplifting ring targeted the downtown Rutland Walmart.

Modern Vermont Family:  Confusion reigns as three branches of the family argue over which first cousin can marry which ex-wife of which recently out gay guy. A fight over a wedding dress necessitates an emergency trip to the South Burlington K-Mart for wedding clothes.

I bet "Barre, Vt. Idol" would do better than "American Idol."

Barre Idol:  The season finale finds dancer Tiffany from Planet Rock Strip Club facing off against a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band.

Project Vermont Runway: Contestants create fashionable outfits from Carhartt sweat shirts, Dickies work pants, University of Vermont t-shirts, Red Wing work boots and NASCAR wind breakers.

Green Mountain Iron Chef: Live from Milton: Contestants whip up a meal using McDonald’s french fries, a deer carcasse, maple syrup, a blooming onion from the Champlain Valley Fair, Magic Hat beer,  Lake Champlain chocolate, fiddlehead ferns, lake perch.

Glee: Barton, Vermont Edition: The students struggle with whether to put on a honky tonk show with the help of the Starline Rhythm Boys, or go for do a shindig with country singer Jamie Lee Thurston.

Two and a Half Farmers: Charlie causes a barn fire when he gets too involved in the hay loft with a young woman from St. Johnsbury. Alan milks the cows too frequently and they turn on him, with hilarious but unprintable results. Jake damages the corn field with his dirt bike.

Big Bong Theory: Science graduate students at the University of Vermont, with their marijuana crop freshly harvested, give up their physics projects and get a serious case of the munchies.

OK, this is just a start. Let me know if you have other Vermont television show ideas.

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