I Miss Mr. Whipple

As many of you probably know, many television advertisements irritate me.  The current focus of my wrath is Charmin bathroom tissue.

The offending Charmin ad, depicting the toilet paper bits on the butt cheek crisis

Their current ad campaign features cartoon bears who love Charmin. The bears in question are overweight, with particularly large butts, I guess they’re big to somehow emphasize how nice Charmin allegedly feels? Or are they marketing Charmin just to heavy people? It’s unclear.

If you can stand it, here’s one of the television ads:

The apparent benefits to Charmin, according to the ads, is they don’t fall apart on you. Which I guess is a good thing. To illustrate this, some of the cartoon bears use a lesser brand toilet tissue, which leaves bits of toilet paper all over their butt cheeks.

OK, this is TMI, I agree, but anyone who gets bits of toilet paper all over their butt while doing their business has bigger problems than substandard toilet paper.

I mean, is it that hard for most people to cope when nature calls?

With this Charmin ad campaign, I find myself saying something I’d never thought I’d say. I really do miss Mr. Whipple.

You might recall Mr. Whipple as the weird grocery store manager who yells at women (and it was always women) who couldn’t resist taking a package of Charmin and squeezing it. Supposedly because Charmin is so squeezably soft.

That strange Mr. Whipple, squeezing the Charmin. I don't want to know what else he squeezes.

I’d hate to go to Mr. Whipple’s grocery store. All these weird people getting off on squeezing packages of toilet paper? And why is Mr. Whipple copping a squeeze when he thinks nobody’s looking?

What else do these people squeeze in the back room of this grocery store? Never  mind. I don’t want to know.

In any event, that’s my rant about Charmin. My wish for you is to go through life contendedly, with no bits of toilet paper stuck to your butt cheeks.

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