Does Elton John’s Kid Have Too Many Names?

It’s a slow news day, so I have nothing too momentous to offer, but there is one crisis brewing:

And that is: Does Elton John’s new kid have too many names?

Elton John and his husband, David Furnish are the proud parents of a new son, born Christmas Day.

First of all, congratuations to Sir Elton John and his husband, David Furnish on the Christmas arrival of their new son, born to a surrogate mother.

The kid’s name is Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John, or ZJLFJ for our purposes here.

I worry about the kid. Oh, I know Sir Elton and David Furnish will be loving, doting parents and  ZJLFJ will do fine in that regard.  But how in the world will ZJLFJ get on in the world with so many names?

There is no room on forms, and especially on on line order forms, to fit such a name. I suppose he can do what I did, and shorten his name to ZJLFJ. But how do you pronouce it?  “Zijlfij”

Doesn’t roll right off the tongue, does it? Sounds like a very drunk guy saying “Fix my zipper.”

Also, people don’t have patience nowadays. So ZJLFJ will have trouble when introducing himself. Picture it. “I’m Zachary Jackson Levon Fur….” and by then people will be drifting out of the room or sound asleep. Poor ZJLFJ will have no friends.

I see one of ZJLFJ’s names is Levon, which could be a reference to one of my favorite Elton John songs. 

As an aside, a lyric to the song “Levon” goes: “He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day, when the New York Times said God is dead.”

Luckily, ZJLFJ will not be a pauper because Elton is filthy rich,  and he’s nobody’s  pawn. And I read the New York Times on Christmas Day and there was no mention in the paper of God being dead.

Anyway, if Sir Elton named ZJLFJ with some of his songs in mind. He could have gotten way to carried away. Thank goodness cooler heads prevailed.

I looked up Elton John’s long list of songs over more than three decades. A lot of them referenced people. So if Sir Elton went with his greatest hits theme in naming the poor kid, he would have been called Daniel Bennie Skyline Pigeon Grimsby Gulliver Hercules Island Girl Nikita Rocket Man Roy Rogers Scarecrow Sweet Painted Lady Bitch Tiny Dancer St. Peter Furnish-John.

That name  really would have been a tragedy

Anyway, I’m probably worrying about nothing. I’m sure Elton John and David Furnish will come up with a nice short nickname for their son, something the kid will be proud of and easy to use.

As long as the kid doesn’t get inspiration from Elton’s hit list and call himself “Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding.”

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