A Big Fat Heist

 You go into a store to shoplift, but you didn’t bring anything to hide the loot. What to do?

Maybe they're not big time criminals, but they're big. The pair accused of shoplifting by hiding items under their fat

Ailene Brown, 28 and Shmeco Thomas, 37, had it all figured out. With their full figures.

According to television station KFOR in Oklahoma City, the pair tried to steal $2,600 worth of merchandise from a TJ Maxx store in Edmond, Oklahoma by stuffing the stuff in the folds of their body fat.

These must have been big girls. They hid four pairs of boots, three pairs of jeans, wallets and gloves,  says KFOR.  The loot went under the belly fat, and under their presumably hefty breasts.

As always in these situations, I have questions and comments.

These two ladies seemed to be well-fed. I bet they weren’t stealing the stuff to get money to buy food.

Did TJ Maxx want the stolen items back? I mean, they must have been kind of gross. I’m guessing TJ Maxx  didn’t put the items back on store shelves when the loot was recovered.  I sure hope not, anyway.

What size was the clothing?   If they were stealing the items to wear themselves, that’s all the more impressive. That’s a lot of fabric and such to hide, if the jeans were say, Size 44W.

Is this going to give other big people ideas? This could be a depressing trend. Maybe people will pay for gastric reduction surgery by shoplifting stuff like our friends Ailene and Shmeco did, then lose the weight after the surgery.

Will we have roving gangs of obese people looting stores? At least it will be easy for the cops to chase them down. Really,  how fast can these people run?

Will stores start discriminating against bigger people? You’ve heard of racial profiling. What about weight profiling? “Sorry, you look like you weigh more than 300 pounds. You’re going to shoplift. You’re not allowed in this store.”  Paging trial lawyers: I see class action lawsuits on the horizon.


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One Response to “A Big Fat Heist”

  1. auntbethany Says:

    Why, oh why, did I read this during dinner?!? Oh god…there HAS to be an Auto-Tune the News segment on these two, right? I love the tags for this post: “crime, humor, news, stupid.” Thank you for brightening my evening! Happy holidays!

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