Icy Beginning to Vermont Winter Morons

Yesterday was the first time this early winter season where really nasty icy weather made it down into Vermont valley floors.  And roads.

Burlington Free Press photog Ryan Mercer caught this icy scene between Johnson and Wolcott, Vermont Monday

Folks, you didn’t do so great. Road were icy, cars slid off the roads, or into each other.

It’s going to be a long, cold winter, isn’t it?
Guess what?  if you slid off the road, I give it at least a 50-50 chance it was your fault.
And if it wasn’t your fault, it was surely because somebody “driving” near you was a complete moron.
For the record, the Vermont State Police said almost all the numerous crashes and spin outs yesterday were caused by people going too fast for the conditions.
I am amazed, after all these winters living in Vermont, that people don’t understand that you have to slow down when the road is icy.
Here’s a primer. Ice is slippery. Things slide on it. Including your car. The faster you’re going, the faster you’ll slide and the more ground you cover.
Until you smash into the bridge abutment, the tree, or the Camry in front of you, that is.
It’s amazing how everybody blames something or someone else when they go off the road. One winter, a woman spiraled down an icy hill and smacked into my truck, nearly totalling it.
She said her brakes didn’t work. Of course they didn’t. Nobody’s brakes work when you’re racing down a steep hill so icy it makes a freshly Zambonied skating rink look as rough and full of traction as packed gravel.
This woman totaled her vehicle, and left me driving a borrowed car for a month because of her stupidity. I still hold a (vague) grudge.
I infuriate people on Interstate 89 in the winter by driving fairly slowly. Everybody can see I have a four wheel drive.  A surprising number of morons think that if I have four wheel drive, I can go 90 mph. They think I should get with the program and gun it.
Um, again, a primer. Yes, I have better traction in the snow. But I slide just easily as everybody else . Many people don’t get that. Which is why during every snowstorm, there’s a 90 percent chance the vehicle you see upside down in the ditch is a four wheel drive. Often a Cadillac Escalade.
A lot of people blame the state highway crews for not clearing roads completely. I don’t know if they can do a better job or not. Maybe. But I don’t care how good they are. If snow’s coming down at three inches per hour, chances are the road isn’t going to be clear and dry. Again, duh!
You know who deserves a special place in hell? Tractor trailer drivers from Quebec. The bomb down the Interstate in a blizzard or ice storm at 100 mph, scattering other cars like ten pins. They create such a dense cloud of blowing snow that nobody for three miles back can see a thing.
The blinding snow they stir up is intentional, my conspiratorial mind says. When these truck drivers do cause wrecks and kill people, nobody can tell what type of truck it was, much less its license plate number. So they can away with murder, scot-free.
I have a proposed punishment for anybody who drives too fast in the snow, expects me to stop on a dime on ice, or does any other type of winter driving stupidity.
Wait for that inevitable night in January when it’s 20 below. Strip these stupid drivers naked, hose them down with cold water, and make them stand around in the cold until they’re blue.
Maybe then, they’ll learn their lesson. Or be so permanently frozen they’ll never drive again.

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2 Responses to “Icy Beginning to Vermont Winter Morons”

  1. montpelier28 Says:

    I’ll never forget the year I had to tell my new VT friend from NYC that 4 wheel drive will get you up the hill, it won’t keep you on the road. He had slid into a nearby field after the first road icing.

  2. O. Neimon Says:

    Amen. Last night, going home in gentle snow a month after your rant was written, I was STILL confounded by how many people think that tailgating me DOWN a steep hill is going to make me go faster when it’s snowing hard (or even if it had stopped snowing).

    Physics, people. Physics. Newton’s laws. Read all about it. Your. Need. To. Get. Where. You’re. Going. Doesn’t. Work. Against. Gravity. Or. Momentum. And. Nothing. Will. Make. You. Right.

    Back off, sucker. Just back off.

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