I’m Celebrating Toxic Mold

Time to party! It’s National Toxic Mold Awareness Month!

Mold on a wall. September is the month to celebrate such beauty.

That bit of great news came courtesy of CertainTeed, the building supply company. Call me cynical but CertainTeed is probably spreading the word about Mold Month because they want us to buy stuff like roofing material to stop leaks and prevent mold.

In any event, how can anyone turn down another reason to party, even if the celebration involves mold? The press release does not give us any Mold Party Planning tips, but creative minds can come up with a few ideas.

How about a moldy bread contest?  Everybody brings old bread to the party, and whoever has the most colorful, grossest, greenest piece of bread wins the prize. First prize is a loaf of wet, ten year old Wonder Bread. Yum!

The place where I work is perfect to celebrate National Toxic Mold Awareness month. The air conditioning duct near my desk emits almost no cool air, but the unit does occasionally drip brown water onto the carpet. By afternoon on a summer day, the temperature in the office rises well into the 80s, so the water in the carpet and the heat creates a wonderful supply of mold to share with friends in this truly celebratory National Toxic Mold Awareness Month.

The press release I got from CertainTeed gives lots of helpful advice on how to combat mold, such as making sure the roof doesn’t leak, fixing dripping plumbing, maybe avoiding carpets in bathrooms, and investing in a dehumidifier.

My favorite tip was this one:

“Check for odors. If you have had a leak, then the first sign of mold may be musty or moldy odors in the vicinity of the leak. Keep in mind you do not want to sniff for mold, or touch mold — if you suspect a mold problem contact a certified mold inspector.

A certified mold inspector! I never knew such a person existed. Do you think the certified mold inspector could judge the bread mold contest at the party?

A certified mold inspector looks at a home whose occupants celebrated National Toxic Mold Awareness Month waaayyy too much.

It says you don’t want to sniff for mold. I guess that’s true as it is kind of stinky. But the press release doesn’t say what would happen if you DO sniff for mold. Is it a dangerous fad among teenagers, like when they huff aerosol spray cans to get high?

The only thing I worry about, now that we know September is National Toxic Mold Awareness Month is that my birthday also falls in September.

I really don’t want any gifts for my birthday, but I’m afraid people will be inspired by National Toxic Mold Awareness Month for gift ideas. Will friends give me carpet scraps they’ve pulled out of a marsh, where somebody discarded them in 1997?  Will they throw a surprise party at my house, and celebrate by thoroughly wetting down the  old couches I have stored in the basement so that they grow mold?

I could always mark September with other awareness holidays that are celebrated now  September is National Be Kind to Editors and Writers month, and I’m a writer. So be kind to me, dammit!

It’s also national ADHD month, which I have, and it’s Healthy Aging Month. I’m healthy and I’m aging so that works great for me. Psyched!  More reasons to party. 

It’s also National Preparedness Month, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be prepared for. Maybe mold.

One Response to “I’m Celebrating Toxic Mold”

  1. denis Says:

    it’s also your birthday month!

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