Stop Looking At Me, Spammers

Spammers continue to think I need to fix my body.

I’ve ranted about this before, but it’s getting worse. The automatic spam distributers seem to be reading my blog, and have somehow taken a gander at my body, which is not displayed in the blog. These spammers do not like what they see when they look at me. 

Apparently, I need a tummy tuck, breast enlargement, breast reduction, a nose job, eyelid work, a better butt, a bigger wee-wee, smaller feet, larger feet, more hair, less hair, bigger biceps, a less wrinkled neck, higher cheekbones and teeth whitening.

Jeez, talk about giving me a complex. Yeah, my body could use a little work. I just thought a good diet and some exercise might help. But apparently, I’m a physical wreck.

The messages from the spammers come in as comments to my blog posts. WordPress, the host of this blog, does a great job of redirecting spam to a separate file, where I can decide whether to add them to my comments section or delete them.

But I still get to read them. The Spammers all think  the shape of my anatomy is somehow related to a post I write on say, how I mulched a Charlotte garden. But who am I to judge how people think?

 A lot of  spammers seem to seize on key words and  try to tailor their pitches to that. And they often fail spectacularly.

One post a day or so ago had the word “surgery” in the title, referring to how I repaired a half-dead tree. I got messages offering me a “tummy tuck and breast uplift.” in response.

You know, Spammers, it’s really rude to comment on another person’s body. I don’t  walk down the street, see an overweight woman and shout, “Lose some weight you tub of lard!” So spammers, my body is just fine, thank you. No comments please.  Didn’t your mother teach you any manners? 

The “surgery” post also inspired a message suggesting I would like to have sexual contact with cheerleaders and basketball players. Both? At the same time?

Another recent blog post had the word “Discipline” in the title. That inspired messages saying spanking is good for kids, spanking is bad for kids, that I need to go back to college, I need to learn Spanish, go to the gym and eat more of that dreaded acai berry. Whatever that is.

Uh, thanks, but I’m already really, really busy.

The most bizarre spam comes when I mention a certain friend in the blog.  And it’s only when I mention him, and not when I talk about anyone else.

I won’t repeat my friend’s name, because that will inspire more spam, but he lives in far northern Vermont and for this post, I will call him Sined.

Every time I mention Sined, I get tons of messages saying Sined is a Tea Party fanatic and I have to avoid him, or that he is not in the Tea Party, and is therefore un-American, so I must avoid him.

I don’t know what inspired all this, as I’ve never mentioned Sined’s political views in the blog.  Sined and I have never had long, in-depth discussions about the Tea Party.  I Googled Sined, just to be sure, and nothing came up relating him and the Tea Party.

Maybe Sined’s name isn’t as all-American as say, “John Smith” so you resent him for that? Well, ignore him then. I’m sure Sined won’t mind.

As you can see, the Spammers are a pretty contradictory bunch. So, Spammers, take a deep breath, make up your mind, then tell me what you want.

Better yet, just shut up, leave us alone and crawl back into your hole in the ground.

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