Insulting Mom

Sorry, mom. You’re not getting a Mother’s Day card this year.

The reason: I don’t want to insult you.

Before I get in more trouble, I should explain. Greeting cards in general, and Mother’s Day cards in particular, are getting more and more horrible.

All I want is a nice, simple, pleasant card that doesn’t get all weird, and has space where I can write a short, personalized note. Shouldn’t be too hard to find, right?

Yeah, right. All the cards in all the stores are these pink, frilly, maudlin messes, dripping with so much saccharine I could go into a diabetic coma just thinking about them. They’re all about as sincere and genuine as a Hollywood plastic surgeon’s caseload.

Look, I’m a pretty rugged, independent, 200 pound, solid, definitely adult, relatively stable guy. My mom knows this. So what would she, and I for that matter, think if I sent her something that read, “I Wuv U, Mommie.”

That’s about the least infantile message I could find among Mother’s Day cards. Or they have these long, flowery, weedy poems about roses and kittens and sunshine  and puppies and rainbows and butterflies and UGH!

Pictures of cats charm my mother. So I looked for cards with a picture of a nice tabby or something. Now, however, all the card companies alter the photos of cats to give them these enormous eyes and pouty faces.

I guess that’s supposed to make them appear even cuter. But these pictures all look like they depict feral cats from the Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster.

Doesn’t that send the wrong message?  “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Hope your cat gets radiated to death!”

Other cards emit these tinny, awful tunes when you open them, kind of like what you’d hear from an ice cream truck after its driver sends it rolling over a cliff.

I suppose I could find an e-card that’s decent, but my mom is deathly allergic to anything computerized. I think she’s afraid if she hits the “delete” button on a computer keyboard, she’ll delete something tangible she likes, such as her cat.

So Mom, you’re not getting a card from me this year. You are getting beautiful flowers that will grow in a basket in the sunshine on your deck,  thanks to a great inside connection I have to a really nice plant nursery. (Big, grateful shout-out to Lynn on that one!)

I’ll call you tomorrow, too, and wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. I offer great wishes, too, to all the mothers out there.

Meanwhile, maybe I should start my own greeting card company.

2 Responses to “Insulting Mom”

  1. denis Says:

    you know starting your own greeting card company might not be a bad idea. i think you’re might be on to something there. do a few prototypes and i’ll gladly critic them.

  2. zeichenpress Says:

    Just ran across this post – it was “possibly related/randomly generated” to my post: http://tinyurl.com/2aojcsr
    I make letterpress greeting cards for people like you (and me)!

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