Friday News Follies

As usual, the news on Friday seems even weirder than on other days. Or maybe it’s because I’m just in a weirder mood.

But anyway, some highlights:

That’s Some Typo: The big news you all heard about was that big swoon on Wall Street, Thursday,  The Dow slipped more than  900 points in a few minutes. The speculation is somebody made a typo, maybe writing “billion” instead of “million” in some sort of sale.

That dropped the stock market below a certain point, triggering automatic responses from computers to sell, sell, sell!

Things went from bad to worse from there.

This is not at all reassuring. You mean I could be typing merrily away with my fat, clumsy fingers, and I make one of my many typpso, uh, typos, and cause some disaster?

Did that oil well in the Gulf of Mexico blow up and spring a big, destructive leak because somebody misspelled the “crude oil” or something? Will the end times come for the world because some spelled the word “Jesus” wrong? Which leads us to the next item:

Christ is Risen: Lord Jesus Christ was hit by a car in Northampton, Mass. Tuesday. But as I note in the headline, Christ is risen.

Christ, 50, was treated for minor injuries at a local hospital and released. Yes, police verified that’s his real name. Jesus was in a crosswalk when he was struck by one Brittany Cantorella. She was cited for a crosswalk violation. No word yet on whether Christ has forgiven her.

Neanderthal Behavior: It might not be Brittany’s fault after all that she ran down Christ. She’s probably part Neanderthal and thus maybe not that smart. Actually, that might be true for a lot of us.

Scientists say Neanderthals and regular humans got along famously thousands of years ago in the Middle East. They got along so well, that there would have been porn flicks involving the two species had video existed at that time, if you get my drift.

About 1 to 4 percent of the genes in people with European and Asian ancestry have Neanderthal genes. Many people would argue that the percentage of Neanderthal in my blood is a lot higher than that.

Romantic Candles: The romantic interludes between Neanderthals and humans might have been enhanced if White Castle hamburgers had marketed its oniony burger scented candles then, instead of just recently.

Proceeds from the $10 candles go to an autism charity. I wonder if Yankee Candle officials are kicking themselves for not coming up with this idea.

Hungry Robber? We can’t do our news summary without one dumb criminal. Lois Harvey in Ohio was handing a note to a bank teller announcing her robbery, when she noticed the off-duty cop behind her in line. She tried to flee, and eat her note, but coughed it up on the sidewalk.

I guess the note didn’t taste as good as one of those White Castle hamburgers.

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