All My Fault, Pat

I’m here to give Pat Robertson a break.

The tiresome televangelist keeps blaming disasters on people he thinks weren’t adhering enough to his view of religion. For instance, the Haitian earthquake in January happened  become Haitians had the gall to shrug off slavery back in the 19th century and supposedly made some sort of pact with the devil in doing so.

Bad stuff like 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina were our fault, too, because, I don’t know, gay people exist, women work outside the home and sometimes people have abortions. Or something.

Poor Pat. He’s getting old now and disasters have been coming fast and furious lately. How is he going to find enough people to blame for all this?

I’m here to help. Just because I’m a nice guy, I’ll take the blame for all these misfortunes. I know there are many things I do that don’t adhere to Poor Pat’s religion. After all, everybody knows his God is better than my God.

So, off we go: That terrible earthquake in Chile? It happened Saturday morning as I was planning to leave for Montreal. Sinful city, really. They have bars, strip clubs, a gay neighborhood and liberals galore.  Many people who live in Montreal are not Chrisitan fundamentalists. Just awful and I had the gall to go there. So sorry, Chile, I should have stayed home.

Sunday, a terrible winter storm hit Europe, killing dozens of people. My fault,again. I wasn’t feeling well Sunday, which put me in a bad mood,  so I took the Lord’s Name In Vain. There was a lot of $%&W#(@ out of me that day. So Europe, I really hope the flooding recedes soon, and I’ll watch my potty mouth.

That storm that hit the East Coast last week caused a lot of destruction, too. That’s because a few days earlier, I refused to acknowledge that President Obama is the antichrist. For some reason, I cling to the belief that Obama is simply the President of the United States. Making this all worse, I refuse to believe he is evil. I know, Pat, I’m blind to the facts, aren’t I?

Pat, I hope this helps. You need so much time to be rake in your money from gullible people, all the while being ignorant, stupid, homophobic, sexist,and not nearly as Christian as you think you are.  The least I could do is give you a break and take the blame for these disasters.

if any other bad things happens, you can be sure I’ll come up with something that makes it all my fault.  And Pat, I hope God does not send down a lightning bolt to strike your house. How would we ever explain that disaster?

3 Responses to “All My Fault, Pat”

  1. kim Says:

    I’m sorry its all your fault now Matt. Hopefully you can have a reconciliation with both Pat and his boy Jesus.

  2. Denis Says:

    now whenever something bad happens to me i’ll blame you.

  3. mattalltrades Says:

    Kim: Jesus is an OK dude, we get along fine. I think it’s irreconcilable differences between Pat and me, though.

    Yes, Denis, you can do that. But the catch is you have to spell out exactly what I did wrong each time for the “magic” here to work. lol

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