Wrapping Rap

I am a man of many talents, but if you are looking for my worst incompetencies, search no further than the gifts I’m wrapping for Christmas.

I just can’t do it. Wrapping paper always defeats me. 

Lord knows I try. First I need a lot of room. So I dump all the supplies on the floor -gifts, wrapping, tape, labels, the works. You can see my scientific set up in the first picture I’ve posted here.

The problems start immediately. The scissors disappear beneath scraps of paper. I rip the paper while searching for the scissors. 

I finally find the scissors, and try to cut a nice smooth edge to the paper. Invariably, I get something that looks like it’s been set upon by a large pack of starving, paper eating pit bulls. 

I try to fold the paper over the gift, wanting to make nice neat edges. But somehow, the inside, white side of the paper peeks out in the edges. I try to cut those away, but end of stabbing a hole in the gift. Which is especially inconvenient when said gift is perfume or booze.  All the liquid drains out, and people end up getting empty perfume cannisters and broken liquor bottles for Christmas

Can you imagine what the house  smells like after I accidently spill and mix  Chanel Allure Sensuelle with Jagermeister?  The odor is like  Zsa Zsa Gabor at a frat party kegger.

Eventually, using a roll of Scotch tape per gift, I have the present more or less concealed, as you can see in this second picture. Too bad if it looks like the recycling I put out for the trash hauler last week. 

I’m always too embarrassed to admit the gift is from me, so I always write on the tag that it’s “From Santa.” I’m blaming the fat old guy in red for this mess.

Besides, my handwriting is so bad that the deepest mystery of Christmas is who the intended gift from me is actually for. Nobody can read the damn things.

Sorry, Grandpa, the package you just unwrapped containing  the Muscular Hunks of Jersey Shore Calendar 2010 wasn’t meant for you. 

It doesn’t help that I’m especially talented at buying the worst possible gift wrapping. One year I ended up with tape-resistant gift wrap. Not sure why it was that way, maybe to save people the trouble of tearing the paper off the box to see what they got?

Scotch tape obviously didn’t work on this, so I kept resorting to more desperate measures. Duct tape didn’t do it. Neither did Super Glue. I suppose I could have covered the gifts in the paper, then wrapped tons of  rope and barbed wire around the paper to hold it in place, but that might have been a bit off-putting to the recipient.

So, if you get a gift from me this year, my heart was in the right place, even if the tape and paper aren’t. 

I guess I’m not going to submit that job application to be one of Santa’s elves.

For more fun with wrapping paper, check on CNN’s Jeanne Moos on a festive apartment:

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